The word “illogical” has been in the forefront of my mind for the past few months. Probably because over the past 1.5 years, I have made what some have judged as very “illogical” choices.
Even though, my heart and body know these have been/are the best things for me, I sometimes struggle because my mind can’t seem to wrap itself around these “ILLOGICAL” and “IRRESPONSIBLE” choices.
The Merriam Webster’s Dictionary defines “illogical” as:
- Not observing the principles of logic.
- Devoid of logic (senseless).
- Synonyms: fallacious, illegitimate, invalid, irrational, unreasonable, unsound, weak.
This dictionary also defines “logic” as:
- A particular mode of reasoning viewed as valid or faulty.
- Relevance, propriety.
- Synonyms: intellection, reason, sense.
I have also been hearing Alanis Morisette’s Ironic on repeat in my head. Hmmmmmm.
All of my life, my mind has wrestled with my emotions and body sensations. I have come to learn that this is characteristic of individuals who are high in the Creator/Artist Archetype, which apparently, I am.
For most of my life, I have lived in my head with my mind and “logic” ruling the roost. This was the only way I knew how to live. Living primarily from a logical place in my head has never truly served me. Nor has allowing my emotions to fully run the show.
When I am living in my head I am usually stuck in the past or the future, perfectionism, control, disconnection and dissociation.
When I am in the tidal wave of emotions, it’s like being on a roller coaster and completely at its mercy.
I have come to learn that neither of these extremes are ideal decision-making times for me.
It has taken me a long time to become aware of my patterns and to find a third alternative.
The third alternative I have found is living from a place of trust in my body, myself and my Higher Power (who I call God) while also factoring in my emotions and logic. My sweet spot is relying on the place deep inside of me, at the bottom of my core, where all of my parts are infinitely connected with God, never able to be separated. This is the place where knowing, intuition, and promptings come from that even with explanations, can seem pretty illogical. It is my deepest place of vulnerability, intimacy, connection and insight. It is a place that has NEVER lied to me or led me astray. It is sacred, accessible and a little bit mysterious. I am constantly learning about and practicing being quiet, still and open so that I can sit and live in this place. This is the truest, most beautiful place inside of me. It is where my best living comes from.
It’s a wonderful and yet scary place to live from at times. This is where the “illogical” decisions come from. This is where I discover things that can feel excruciating to accept within myself and show to others. This is where all my younger parts remember and express all the wounds and trauma from the past and worry sometimes incessantly about the future.
And this is also where God is. This is where my adult loving parent is. This is where my full, unmasked, unafraid, authentic-self lives.
When I decided to leave a marriage 1.5 years ago, it went against what my mind had been programmed to believe and yet my body knew it was right.
When I have decided to create some distance in certain relationships, my mind has told me that I was being too sensitive, unloving and hard while my body sighed with relief.
When I decided to leave my full-time job 2 months ago, my logical mind was screaming while my body felt peace and calm.
As I am currently navigating one of the most magnificent things I have ever experienced, there is also extreme vulnerability and fear and yet when I am able to get quiet and grounded, my body feels warm and secure.
As I make the intentional decisions to listen to the deepest part of myself, amazing and unexpected things happen.
To onlookers and myself alike, this can all seem tremendously illogical and unwise. And the wonderful happenings can seem ironic and coincidental.
But I don’t agree. It’s not ironic or coincidental.
It’s love, truth, beauty, joy, freedom, light, courage, wonder, authentic and being fully alive! I’m building my tolerance for the spectacular! 🙂
