About a month ago, I had an idea that at first felt *quite scandalous*. I was driving and it just popped up inside of me. I was a little taken aback by this surfacing. Honestly, my initial reaction was, “I can’t do that! That’s not the way it’s SUPPOSED to be.” As soon as I recognized the “supposed to/should/shouldn’t” in all of it, I felt challenged. For me, those words are red flags, signs that my critical part is very active trying to defend beliefs and identities that probably no longer work for me.
Different generally equates to danger in the reptilian brain (brain stem). This part of our brain is usually responsible for our initial reactions and strives to “protect” from change and keep familiarity at all costs. Familiarity (even if toxic or dangerous) has been coded as survivable because we’ve experienced it and hey, we’re still alive. 🙂 So even if different/change is what’s best, our reptilian brain actually interprets it as danger because it has no context for the new.
So, after some processing of the above, I was interested in digging a little deeper into this “scandalous” idea. After exposing some things from under my proverbial rock and shining light on them, I felt a little excited and a little guilty while also recognizing that my critter brain was still very much on-guard.
Are you ready for this unorthodox idea that interrupted me?
“What if you spent the same amount of money on yourself for Christmas this year that you do on your kids?”
Seriously, where in the world did that come from?!!!!!
To be completely transparent, I kind of just wanted to let the thought pass and move on with my life. I mean come on, I have things to do and spending a significant amount of money on myself frivolously is not one of them. Plus, it is definitely not the right thing for a mom to do. I am supposed to be a good mom – code for the indoctrination that is STILL embedded into some parts of me. The spoken words that often mark women/moms as saints – selfless, self-sacrificing, just wants others to be happy, always giving and their unspoken death sentence counterparts – martyr, codependent, self-abandoning.
Much to my dismay, the question wouldn’t go away. It wasn’t a constant ringing in my ears. Instead, it was a quiet whisper that came and went for weeks.
God certainly knows how to get my attention and is not deterred when I don’t get with the program right away, thank goodness. Interesting timing of all this as for the past few months, I had my eyes on the yoga studio near my home and really wanting to start practicing there.
So, I continued to Christmas shop for the people on my list (myself not included) all the while marinading on this idea, what if I did spend that much on myself for Christmas?
After I processed through all the nonsense above (I say that lovingly and with humor to myself and ALL those who experience the same thoughts and feelings around granting themselves permission for things that are new) and received the Black Friday sale on the yoga package I wanted, which was the EXACT amount that I spend on my kids each Christmas, I made up my mind.
I was going to do the unconventional. I was buying that yoga package!
Last Saturday I walked in there and bought those yoga classes with confidence, empowerment and excitement.
Instead of feeling guilty and undeserving, I am pumped to take my first yoga class at the studio on Sunday!
For me, action is extremely important in upgrading the beliefs and identities that I no longer connect with.
For my old “good mom” indoctrination, investing time and money to do yoga at a studio is it for me right now. This is part of me being a “good mom” today.
What belief or identity have you or are you considering upgrading?
