I am jittery, excited, afraid, energetic and exhausted all at the same time. I want to do everything and I want to do nothing. It’s the adrenaline. I like it and hate it at the same time. My mind is moving a mile a minute and at the pace of a snail simultaneously. What is this ride? I want to get off but I kind of like it a little too.
The creativity is flowing while I also feel foggy and like I am trudging through calf-high mud. The wheels are spinning out of control, but the bike isn’t going anywhere. “Just breathe. Just breathe. Don’t panic. Just be.”
I close my eyes and feel the cold burn of fatigue and anxiety. My perfect storm. “Sleep, sleep is what I need”, I hear one side of me shout. “No, don’t waste the day. Get out, the sun is shining, make the most of the rush before you crash. Don’t give in”, comes from the other side.
“If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.” Mark 3:25 NIV
I am the house!
For as long as I can remember I have been divided against myself. I splintered inside very young. Instead of maintaining my wholeness, I fractured leaving a constant internal battle waging within me.
Constant doubt, confusion, stifling, denying, suppressing and control. CONSTANT WAR, SUFFERING AND DEATH. Death of me. Death of light. Death of my spirit.
The worst part is that I thought this was me and this is the way things are supposed to be. I thought this was life.
“No honey, this is the exact opposite of life. THIS IS DEATH.”
So now I’m working on coming back home to myself. Back to the place of wholeness, peace, truth and integration. Back to the beginning when it was just me and God. Back to life!
Just writing this has helped me to slow down, come back to myself and reconnect. Thank you for being my witness and holding space for me! I would love to return the support. Drop a comment below or send me a confidential email at shannonstedman@hotmail.com or click the email icon.
Walking this life is lonely and back-breaking. We need each other.
