This morning Pink’s song was running through my mind. I have full faith in her that she will get the party started, I am content trying to ride on her coat tails.
I’m still processing the amazing week that I have just come off of. I spent the week in a one-bedroom apartment engaged in an intensive healing retreat. When I think or try to speak about it, there are so many words and thoughts pinging inside my head but when I open my mouth to speak, sometimes there isn’t anything that comes out.
One thing that has been tugging at me bringing excitement, validation and terror is how my voice was muzzled starting around age 10. I have always felt strongly that I had important messages to share and yet I felt restrained and blocked to truly express them. I have literally felt like I have been tied up and am moving and trying while staying in place. I have felt caged and imprisoned within myself.
I have always been attracted to and moved by people, especially women, who are real and authentic. When I experience this, it lights me up inside and sometimes makes me tingle. It ignites something inside of me and all the sudden a voracious hunger roars from within. This hunger is like one might experience after being starved, because it is insatiable. I get a taste of vulnerability, truth and transparency and I can’t get enough.
I have spent my life reading about other people’s lives, which I love, but now I have a different take on this. Yes, I want to read about people who I find fascinating, inspiring and have a strong message. However, I think that some of the insatiable hunger has come from wanting to live this way myself and share the message that I have been given. I am being drawn to what I want for myself but haven’t been fully able to step into for myself.
Since I was a very young girl, I have loved books and reading. The library is my ultimate happy place and it pains me to get rid of books. If I had to choose only one thing to spend money on for the rest of my life other than food, I would definitely choose books. I think I would, well it would be in my top five for sure!
Anyways, for a long time now, I have had a dream to write a book. I have thought of a lot of ideas, but nothing has materialized. Fear, insecurity, overwhelm and confusion have swallowed up my big visions and kept me standing still.
But the thing is that one of the strongest gifts and callings that I have received is to share my message. To open my mouth and speak what is put on my spirit. I have pictured myself so many times on a stage speaking to women, encouraging them and I get excited and filled with passion. Quickly in swoops shame, self-doubt and anxiety. Who would actually come to hear me talk?
What I do know is that for a LONG time now, I have felt so many things welling up inside of me and I have been using a lot of energy to try to keep them down. After my retreat this week, I have a little more clarity and have a better understanding of what I am choosing between.
Do I want to continue to live my life frustrated and living small? Or do I want to step outside of my comfortable zone into my passions and God-given gifts and callings? Both options are hard, but which hard feels like the right one? Which one do I want to be held accountable to? Which hard do I want to choose?
I know I don’t want to keep living frustrated and small and I’m pretty convinced that I want to step out. I don’t know exactly what that looks like and that’s OK. One step at a time. This blog post is a step.
So, I’m using Pink’s strength, enthusiasm and confidence to say………..
“I’m comin’ up so you better get this party started”
