During my elementary school years, I did a lot of “research”. I would go to the library at school almost daily to learn and write about a different subject.
My go to introduction went like this, “I like _________. They are pretty. __________ come in many different colors.” I knew I wasn’t Dr. Seuss, but I thought I had the intro on lock.
Anne Lamont (an incredible writer) says that all writers have to be willing to write shitty first drafts, every single time. Only by writing shitty first drafts can we move on to the second, improved version.
I was lying in bed this morning and this concept popped into my head. I was thinking about the book I want to write someday titled, “Two Weeks Behind Bars”, about my life experience, specifically mental health. I don’t want to have to write a shitty first draft and multiple other drafts to get to the final product.
I’m used to writing “shitty first drafts” and then that being the end of it. I write them and then publish them here and send them out to you. I do go back and do some editing sometimes and other times, I just type and publish. This has been a positive practice for me to combat perfectionism and fear and increase authenticity.
As I continued to chew on the shitty first draft concept, I started thinking about my life. It came to me that I had to create and live many shitty first, second, third, fourth……….. drafts before I could have new experiences, ones that felt more like published books. Of course, I didn’t know this at the time.
The silver lining here for me is that most (if not all) of the shitty draft experiences have been catalysts for incredible works of art in my life. Not right away, not perfect, but useful and some necessary.
I feel like I am consistently living a few shitty drafts in different areas of my life. The amazing and sometimes unbelievable thing is that now at the age of 44, I actually feel like I’m living in some published chapters as the plot continues to unfold and be written.
Last summer I was talking to a dear friend and spontaneously the words “I like my life” spilled out of me. I looked around a little shocked trying to confirm that I was truly the one who spoke them. I don’t think I had ever said something like that and genuinely meant it before. It’s not that my life was all terrible prior to a year ago. It was very chaotic and that made it extremely difficult, sometimes impossible, to truly be present, peaceful, and content.
I have struggled with autonomy all of my life, it’s one thing that codependency steals. I had to live probably 1000 shitty drafts of abandoning and giving my autonomy away before I was even aware of what it was and slowly start owning mine.
I am now very clear about what lights me up and the directions that I want my life to be moving in. I feel extremely in-tune (most of the time) that God and I together are writing the story of my life. I experience awakenings and aliveness like I never have before.
I know I had to live the shitty drafts to get here, and I will continue to live more of them all the time. I currently have a few in the forefront of my mind and heart.
Just like shitty drafts are a part of the writing process, I believe they are also inevitable in life.
